Once upon a time there was a little boy who went to college.
At first, he was able to sleep enough, but slowly he succumbed to the workload
and became sleep deprived. One Monday morning, he was in Bucer’s and he had a
vocab quiz. He was very sleepy, so he decided to drink a sixteen ounce
Americano. As he readily consumed that dark liquid, all the secrets of Latin
were revealed to him. He had his best quiz grade that time. He was happy, too
happy.
Most of you are slaves to a dark formless master. You have all
been victims of its evil clutches. It has tainted all of you with its elusive
promises of excessive energy and eccentric thought processes. Evidence of its
destructive embrace can be seen in NSA. You might see a girl, with her head
absorbed into the table, laughing hysterically in her sleep. The Muslim’s drink
makes you believe that you can hyper actively function properly throughout the
day without any sleep. Even the fulfillment of this promise is not good. Once,
in distress, I succumbed to temptation and drank a sixteen-ounce Americano.
Many of you know about that. But what y’all don’t know is that I wrote some of
my thoughts down. Here are a few memorable ones: “My heart is palpitating like
a cackle of hyperactive hyenas in a washing machine on the spin cycle “I could
swear I can see how fast Pastor Wilson’s beard is growing!” “I believe that
skeleton is a living entity, and it’s grinning at me?!” “My leg has decided to
rebel, I bet it will soon pop off and join a hippie community.” Twelve hours
after I drank coffee, the effects wore off. I was like an abandoned piece of
burned bacon swimming in the white grease of disappointment. Pope Clement knew coffee was the devil’s
drink; Clement foolishly thought that he could steal it from him and
“Christianize” it. Do you really want to trust the word of one of the wickedest
popes in history? Why didn't he also steal Old Scratch’s pitchfork and sanctify
people with it? As you can see I am in a coffee high. A coffee high is not a
desirable state.
.” “There is nothing
more dangerous for me than a notebook in front of me, a pen in my right hand,
and in my left, coffee!” The problem with that quote is that I am left-handed
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